Malignant Optimism

Toxic Positivity’s obnoxious cousin.

You have to believe in order to make things happen. You have to truly, deeply believe in your abilities/your talent/your goals/your vision to manifest what you want. And, if it’s not happening? Well, my friend, you just aren’t believing hard enough.

That is such utter f*cking bullsh!t, I just might hurl.

Welcome to malignant optimism! That form of fiction which asks you to divorce yourself from reality in order to get your heart’s desire. It’s all part of “the secret” to creating your dream world. And it can put you in a prison.

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I am a native of Southern California. I know my sun, moon and rising signs. I do yoga and breathwork and, occasionally, align my chakras (can’t hurt). So all that airy-fairy woowoo sh!t is stuff I’ve dabbled in or am well-acquainted with (read my About page if you want more dirt). I believe in the power of positive thinking. I do think you can manifest your desires. But I also think you have to be careful, not only with what you wish for, but which beliefs you hold onto — especially when they are dragging you through shards of glass.

No one was a bigger believer in me than me. In how I envisioned my life. How I thought my career would go. The age I’d be married by. I had that all on lock!

Guess what didn’t turn out?

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Now, I don’t say any of that bitterly. I don’t have regrets about what I’ve done or what I didn’t achieve. I am airy-fairy and woowoo enough to know that all of that led me to who I am today, and I kind of like me just fine. But, when there’s a rub between believing in what you want and the reality staring you in the face, you need to choose reality.

Jobs and relationships are always the best examples of what we’ve stayed in too long, even when we knew they weren’t right for us, when they were damaging to us, or when they simply made us moderately miserable. And we have our reasons for staying (money, security, fear that’s all we deserve, believing there are limited options, waiting for something better to come along). But what about our other beliefs? That new career or business we want to start (I’m sorry, we will start and succeed in!). That home we hope to buy (will own!). The lifestyle we think we deserve (we are living it!). All of that can get us stuck in a whirlpool of want and waiting, never leading us anywhere but closer to the drain.

I had no doubt I would be a screenwriter and producer (and I came thisclose a few times). Zero doubt! It was maddening because, not only did I want it, I needed it. I was broke and scared and frustrated, and believed that what I had worked so hard at would save me…it just needed to happen NOW! There were promises of funding — the money would be there next week, then the next and then… Meanwhile, I had $7 to take to Trader Joe’s to buy food and hope a check arrived before that ran out (or rent was due). 

I clung onto believing because of the malignant optimism I thought was required to achieve my dream. And I believed hard. Because I knew it was going to come. It definitely would. Until it didn’t.

And that was awful. Because there were so many signs pointing to YES! It was clear I was on the right path! I just needed to hang on a little longer. But how long is long enough? How long is too long? That’s anyone’s guess. But when you have given it your all, including your financial security, it might be time to pack it in.

Once I finally did let go, I got some perspective:

1. You can’t manifest from a broken place.

2. There might be something bigger and better out there waiting for you.

When you are desperate (like I was), you aren’t vibing with The Powers That Be/The Universe/Your Higher Self (pick the one that fits you best) in a way that will open the doors you need opened. Which sucks like a futhermucker. It also makes zero sense. When you are at a low point, you need the goodness to come. Ask and ye shall receive, right?! Well, only if you’re in the right headspace and heartspace. It’s like trying to plant a garden in the desert — you can put in all the time and effort you’re capable of, but it’s not going to work. You need to be in a place where you can welcome what you want. Fertile soil, if you will. And that’s vastly different from wanting what you want or needing it. It also feels next to impossible to get to that place when you are so in need and wanting. (Quite a rub, eh?)

The b-side of this broken record is this: Maybe not getting what you (think you) want is dodging a bullet? Maybe there are bigger plans for you. Something more enriching. And that’s hard to imagine when you’ve invested so much in your dream.

As much as I loved screenwriting and filmmaking, I loathed the business of it. Writers are treated horribly in Hollywood. (See: Current WGA strike and the one before that or ask F. Scott Fitzgerald.) We are the birth parents of almost everything you watch — sans “reality” TV, but don’t think that’s not at least partially (**cough** mostly **cough**) — scripted. Writers are the only ones who’ve finished their jobs (doing that work unpaid as spec screenwriters) before anyone else gets hired. (No one even gets hired if we don’t do that work, FFS!) And writers are the last people Hollywood wants to pay. (Or negotiate with. See: DGA and SAG/AFTRA contracts that were up after WGA’s but the DGA’s settled before WGA’s and SAG’s might, if they make a deal by tonight…or actors will strike.) It’s so weird. Not to mention annoying and insulting. The deals I turned down because they wanted to take away ancillary rights, cut me out of any sequels, merchandising, etc. Hello? I created the stuff you want to make money off of, so NO was easy for me to say in those cases. I can live with owning 100% of nothing; I couldn’t live with a sh!t deal. (Side note: One of my favorite conversations with my attorney was, “What do you think of the offer?” and he replied wryly, “What offer?” That’s how bad it was.)

So, maybe what I missed out on was being miserable? Can achieving a dream do that to you? (Not sure why I just thought of Tony Hsieh.)

In any case, when a dream dies, other opportunities arrive. I wrote a couple of novels. I did a podcast (that’s temporarily paused, swear). And, most importantly, I dug myself out of debt. Now, that may not sound as glamorous as sitting on a film set watching actors say words I wrote, but it has been fun.

Recently, I asked myself what really makes me happy. The answer: Connection. You get that, oddly enough, through writing. In fiction, you connect first with the characters, and later with the readers. In non-fiction (like my first book, A Sassy Little Guide to Getting Over Him), it was with the readers who kindly said it helped them and made them laugh through their tears. And here, where I get to connect with you, and other readers and writers, learning more about each other and ourselves. It’s a thrill. So, that’s what I want to do for the rest of my days: Connect. And I don’t know if I ever would’ve gotten to that realization if I was still hanging onto that malignant optimism. (BTW, if I had gotten my dream, I’d be walking a picket line right now, likely worried about deals dying and maybe how to pay my mortgage or if I’d qualify for health benefits due to lack of work. My thoughts are with those amazing, tenacious writers. Stand strong. Don’t bend. Get what you’re owed and deserve!!!)

The most important thing is to never ever stop believing in yourself, in your abilities, in your heart. But absolutely do allow yourself to question if there are other beliefs that you need to reconsider, let go of, burn down. You get to do that. You get to say, “Gave it a try and now it’s time to move on!” That’s not failure. It’s growth. It’s letting go of malignant optimism and letting in the light. xo

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Some Recs

Here’s a story of malignant optimism that broke my heart. “The Medical Medium and the True Believer” tells the tale of a young woman who believed too much in someone other than herself…and it killed her. As a person with chronic illness, I understand the desperation of finding something — anything — that will make you better. But you cannot ignore reality…or science. (And this is from one who was helped only by an OMD for my EBV and ulcers, so I do believe in alternative medicine. I also believe egos can be deadly, especially when they are wielded at others who trust them too much.)

The wonderful

Christopher Anselmo

shared an article on giving up on your dreams on his ‘stack, Hello, Adversity (you can read Chris’ post here). While I call it malignant optimism, in the article, it’s referred to as “goal fusion”. Either way, be sure to give Christopher a read. You should subscribe to his ‘stack if you haven’t already. Really and truly.

And this is a lovely post by

LAURA CALDER: A Place At My Table

, on the hunger we have for connection, and lingering together around a meal (one of my favorite things to do).

Happy Hacks

Dream deep. We are told to dream big, but look at how few of those “success stories” end with being really and truly happy. Dream deep instead. What makes your soul sing? Maybe it’s not climbing the corporate ladder. Then again, maybe it is. Maybe it’s doing something more unconventional. Maybe it’s something out of character (as others perceive you). Give yourself a chance to explore what makes you deeply happy. Dream it. Make a plan for it. Go for it.

See everything as a blessing/opportunity. Okay, that’s a little barf-inducing, but hear me out. When I’m having one of those days where nothing’s going right, I’m running late and other little hiccups are making me later, I take a breath and say, “Thank you for whatever you’re protecting me from or bringing to my attention.” Hear me out again. What if me running a bit behind saves me from getting sideswiped by that ding-dong not paying attention? Not provable, but possible. What if being a little late gives me the opportunity to bump into someone I’ve been wanting to see? It’s happened. Things not going your way could lead to something beneficial. Ever had to order something else because they’re out of what you really wanted and ended up liking that even more? Good things are always waiting for us if we stay open to that possibility/probability. xo

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