Wonderfully insightful! There was a time when I could use both hands to count how many friendships of over a decade I had, now can use one hand and the range is 15 to 50 years in duration. Leaving the workforce narrowed opportunities to meet new, I'm an introvert and admit to not being an initiator, but my threshold for BS became zero in '21 and am happy with the give and take levels and viewpoints in the remaining circle of friends. Best Wishes 💙
Thanks, Shire! I'm right there with you. And online "dating" for friends is about as fruitful as online dating to date! I'm still in the "workforce", but everyone in the office but my boss is younger than me (like, I could be a mom to a few). So, no joy there. And I'm happy in my own company. While that's wonderful, it can also be a dangerous thing! LOL. I almost have to force myself to make plans and certainly accept the plans offered to me. It shouldn't be this hard. But, oh, isn't it? LOL. xo
I love these thoughts Sandra. Friendship learning is constant. I will say, I had put too much pressure on myself in the past to “maintain friendships” that weren’t, really. Too much negative energy, lack of chemistry, passive aggression, and forcing because we are in the same circles. My one regret is letting people go in peace sooner so we can both live our lives more authentically and learn from the split.
Thanks, Bethany. It really is a trip of how we let things get so complicated...and how reluctantly we talk about it. I remember taking a friend to lunch to ask about something she did regarding a friend of mine; it wasn't a biggie, just a little awkward. She immediately got defensive and started to angry cry, then I had to calm her down and let her know this wasn't friendship-ending, just conversation-requiring. She said it was the first time she'd had a conversation like that, where she wasn't being made out to be wrong and the friendship would be over, but to sort things out to make the friendship better. We were in our mid-30s. LOL. We do waste time with people that aren't good for us. We have to remember, it's quality over quantity. And it's okay to be cordial and leave it at that. xo
I hear you. I had a few one sided friendships. Finally, with one gal I said, “If you’re interested in this friendship you need to call me too.” That was that. Some tho I have to forgive esp as we get older. With people’s Jewish hatred I’ve let go of a couple of people. Good riddance.
Thanks, Carissa. It's interesting how we fall into roles, or how others see friendships in hierarchies. Some people still see me as the broke f*ck up who couldn't keep a job (back when I was working freelance with startups and fundings would fall through, and jobs would end). "Oh, you still have the same job?" they will ask, somewhat/snidely astonished. Yes. I've been steadily employed since 2014, thank you. While my bad patch lasted a lot longer than anyone hoped/expected, I haven't been in that boat in a while. And still... LOL. It's always good riddance to bad rubbish. And it's really nice when the trash takes itself out. xo
I feel the same way. I have a lot of friends who love to talk to me, but for whatever reason need the nudge from me to initiate the conversation. I've accepted that I do it for me, not for them.
My sister is dealing with this right now. A friend of hers--who she's known for 15 years and moved out here with her husband--recently texted her and said, "The pendulum swings both ways. I'm not calling you anymore." When she'd called my Dad to check in on him and my mom, she admitted that she was mad and immediately regretted sending it, but it was too late to take it back. At the time she'd sent it, she'd been angry because my sister hadn't responded to a couple of her texts. But, y'know, life was getting in the way: busy with job, busy with caretaking our mom, busy watching her grandson one day a week, etc.
According to my other sister's Lifelong BFF, this friend has a very controlling/dominant "spirit". My sister met this person while living in FL and working at Disneyworld. She was also "going through it" with her ex-husband and this friend was like a lifeline. When you said, "Reason, season, lifetime. Take your pick. Friendships ebb, flow, evolve, deepen or end," that really resonated with me. Espesh after the Girl Talk session we all had over the weekend. This friendship came at a time when my sister really needed it and it turned into a 15-year friendship.
But my sister is now living in the States, she's divorced, and she has a support system here that she didn't have in FL and Israel. Lifelong BFF thinks she moved here, thinking she would still have control over this friendship, is realizing that she doesn't (with all the support she has now), and is lashing out. I have a feeling this is going to be a Season Ending friendship, to be honest. I can only take her in small doses when she's around and I thought it was because of my Introverted Empathic nature. But no, it's not me, it's her. LOL Other people see it, too. This is going to be interesting, needless to say.
Ugh! It kind of scares me that she moved to AZ, to be honest. And what's so (not) funny is that, instead of asking, "How are things with your parents? I haven't heard from you in a while. I hope all is well. Let me know when you have some time. I'd love to see you," it's "I'm not calling you anymore." (But then calls your dad and mea culpas? 👀) She sounds like a LOT. Let me know how it all unfolds. Thanks, Ororo! xo
Right? Agreed. When he found out what she'd said, he replied, "Real friends wouldn't say that." So wise, but he's right. I'm lucky my BFF texts me with little check-ins ("Just seeing how you're doing. I love you.") and knows that I can be MIA for months, but she understands. Yeah, this woman is definitely a LOT. LOL
Was so excited when you mentioned this post in my comments and it did not disappoint. It speaks so much to the part of my life that I'm in right now. I lost one friendship when I moved home and it's looking like that number may be increasing. Something that scares me a little since my friend group is already so small but I also don't want to hold on to things that don't serve me. Quality not quantity. My best friend since 3rd grade has 4 kids under the age of 6 too and she still manages to reach out and make an effort so I don't have a whole lot of understanding for anyone else who can't lol. Thank you for this post, my friend.
Thanks, Jackie! I've tried to stop dwelling on the why. When I start, I have to ask myself why I don't reach out to people I really love. I'm too tired/busy/it's too late/I want to be in a place where I can really focus on them. All of that is true and valid, but it still keeps the distance. Reach out when you want to. I usually do, "It's been too long! Let me know when you're free for lunch or dinner so we can catch up!" if they are local or ask when they are up for a FaceTime if not. If the ball stays in their court, that's on them. But I know I have to make the effort even when I'm tired/busy/unfocused. xo
I feel really understood by this writing. Thank you!
I've realized that not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime, which has been a tough lesson to learn. However, I'm learning to appreciate the friends who stick around, and I'm also working on making room for the sadness that comes with the end of some friendships.
Thanks, Asmita! It's hard to lose friends, especially if there's not a clear why. But I think we are collectively learning the effort required to make them last and be good. xo
So true! Finding and keeping friends is an art similar to finding and keeping a romantic partner. It requires thought and sometimes effort!
Absolutely! But we forget that. Good friends/friendships will have that communication. But, sometimes, someone needs to start it. Thanks, Anne! xo
Wonderfully insightful! There was a time when I could use both hands to count how many friendships of over a decade I had, now can use one hand and the range is 15 to 50 years in duration. Leaving the workforce narrowed opportunities to meet new, I'm an introvert and admit to not being an initiator, but my threshold for BS became zero in '21 and am happy with the give and take levels and viewpoints in the remaining circle of friends. Best Wishes 💙
Thanks, Shire! I'm right there with you. And online "dating" for friends is about as fruitful as online dating to date! I'm still in the "workforce", but everyone in the office but my boss is younger than me (like, I could be a mom to a few). So, no joy there. And I'm happy in my own company. While that's wonderful, it can also be a dangerous thing! LOL. I almost have to force myself to make plans and certainly accept the plans offered to me. It shouldn't be this hard. But, oh, isn't it? LOL. xo
Wonderful writing as always x
Cheers, Matt! ❤️ xo
I love these thoughts Sandra. Friendship learning is constant. I will say, I had put too much pressure on myself in the past to “maintain friendships” that weren’t, really. Too much negative energy, lack of chemistry, passive aggression, and forcing because we are in the same circles. My one regret is letting people go in peace sooner so we can both live our lives more authentically and learn from the split.
Thanks, Bethany. It really is a trip of how we let things get so complicated...and how reluctantly we talk about it. I remember taking a friend to lunch to ask about something she did regarding a friend of mine; it wasn't a biggie, just a little awkward. She immediately got defensive and started to angry cry, then I had to calm her down and let her know this wasn't friendship-ending, just conversation-requiring. She said it was the first time she'd had a conversation like that, where she wasn't being made out to be wrong and the friendship would be over, but to sort things out to make the friendship better. We were in our mid-30s. LOL. We do waste time with people that aren't good for us. We have to remember, it's quality over quantity. And it's okay to be cordial and leave it at that. xo
I hear you. I had a few one sided friendships. Finally, with one gal I said, “If you’re interested in this friendship you need to call me too.” That was that. Some tho I have to forgive esp as we get older. With people’s Jewish hatred I’ve let go of a couple of people. Good riddance.
Thanks, Carissa. It's interesting how we fall into roles, or how others see friendships in hierarchies. Some people still see me as the broke f*ck up who couldn't keep a job (back when I was working freelance with startups and fundings would fall through, and jobs would end). "Oh, you still have the same job?" they will ask, somewhat/snidely astonished. Yes. I've been steadily employed since 2014, thank you. While my bad patch lasted a lot longer than anyone hoped/expected, I haven't been in that boat in a while. And still... LOL. It's always good riddance to bad rubbish. And it's really nice when the trash takes itself out. xo
I feel the same way. I have a lot of friends who love to talk to me, but for whatever reason need the nudge from me to initiate the conversation. I've accepted that I do it for me, not for them.
And those are the friends that appreciate it. xo
My sister is dealing with this right now. A friend of hers--who she's known for 15 years and moved out here with her husband--recently texted her and said, "The pendulum swings both ways. I'm not calling you anymore." When she'd called my Dad to check in on him and my mom, she admitted that she was mad and immediately regretted sending it, but it was too late to take it back. At the time she'd sent it, she'd been angry because my sister hadn't responded to a couple of her texts. But, y'know, life was getting in the way: busy with job, busy with caretaking our mom, busy watching her grandson one day a week, etc.
According to my other sister's Lifelong BFF, this friend has a very controlling/dominant "spirit". My sister met this person while living in FL and working at Disneyworld. She was also "going through it" with her ex-husband and this friend was like a lifeline. When you said, "Reason, season, lifetime. Take your pick. Friendships ebb, flow, evolve, deepen or end," that really resonated with me. Espesh after the Girl Talk session we all had over the weekend. This friendship came at a time when my sister really needed it and it turned into a 15-year friendship.
But my sister is now living in the States, she's divorced, and she has a support system here that she didn't have in FL and Israel. Lifelong BFF thinks she moved here, thinking she would still have control over this friendship, is realizing that she doesn't (with all the support she has now), and is lashing out. I have a feeling this is going to be a Season Ending friendship, to be honest. I can only take her in small doses when she's around and I thought it was because of my Introverted Empathic nature. But no, it's not me, it's her. LOL Other people see it, too. This is going to be interesting, needless to say.
Ugh! It kind of scares me that she moved to AZ, to be honest. And what's so (not) funny is that, instead of asking, "How are things with your parents? I haven't heard from you in a while. I hope all is well. Let me know when you have some time. I'd love to see you," it's "I'm not calling you anymore." (But then calls your dad and mea culpas? 👀) She sounds like a LOT. Let me know how it all unfolds. Thanks, Ororo! xo
Right? Agreed. When he found out what she'd said, he replied, "Real friends wouldn't say that." So wise, but he's right. I'm lucky my BFF texts me with little check-ins ("Just seeing how you're doing. I love you.") and knows that I can be MIA for months, but she understands. Yeah, this woman is definitely a LOT. LOL
Everything you’ve said here. 100 percent. Reason. Season. Lifetime.
Cheers, Kim. xo
Was so excited when you mentioned this post in my comments and it did not disappoint. It speaks so much to the part of my life that I'm in right now. I lost one friendship when I moved home and it's looking like that number may be increasing. Something that scares me a little since my friend group is already so small but I also don't want to hold on to things that don't serve me. Quality not quantity. My best friend since 3rd grade has 4 kids under the age of 6 too and she still manages to reach out and make an effort so I don't have a whole lot of understanding for anyone else who can't lol. Thank you for this post, my friend.
Thanks, Jackie! I've tried to stop dwelling on the why. When I start, I have to ask myself why I don't reach out to people I really love. I'm too tired/busy/it's too late/I want to be in a place where I can really focus on them. All of that is true and valid, but it still keeps the distance. Reach out when you want to. I usually do, "It's been too long! Let me know when you're free for lunch or dinner so we can catch up!" if they are local or ask when they are up for a FaceTime if not. If the ball stays in their court, that's on them. But I know I have to make the effort even when I'm tired/busy/unfocused. xo
I feel really understood by this writing. Thank you!
I've realized that not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime, which has been a tough lesson to learn. However, I'm learning to appreciate the friends who stick around, and I'm also working on making room for the sadness that comes with the end of some friendships.
Thanks, Asmita! It's hard to lose friends, especially if there's not a clear why. But I think we are collectively learning the effort required to make them last and be good. xo
Could not agree more! The why really gets me every single time. But like you said, we are all learning! 💛