What Are We Afraid Of?
Beliefs we need to bin.
What are you afraid of? Give me your list. What — in the deepest, darkest part of you — gives you the absolute willies? Because we are going to get rid of those limiting little demons, made solely out of BS (that were probably bestowed upon us by someone else anyway).
My fears are pretty basic:
Being broke; and
Being sick and broke.
I’ve been broke. I don’t like being broke. I feel like I’m always teetering on the fence of financial security (I have some now, but always worry that it will go buh-bye…because it has before, so PROOF!). In America, being sick is a reason we go broke. To be sick AND broke? Worst nightmare for me. Hands down. Having a couple of chronic illnesses, I do what I can to stay healthy…and not be broke.
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Those are the fears I have, which I created — and not without reason. But there are other beliefs that my mother tried to force upon me, and I can’t say that they didn’t leave a mark. Those are:
You will never amount to anything; and
No one will ever love you.
While I don’t believe those beliefs of my mother, I can’t say there aren’t times when I’m all, Damn! I’m proving Barb right! For a moment, I’m afraid what she said is actually true. But then I remember it really is BS and let it go. (Not always easy. Sometimes those words stick like gum in hair.)
So, how do we stop believing in things we don’t really believe? Well…
Name your monsters. Which we sort of already did. If not, take a moment to really dig into it. Go as deep and as far back as necessary to in order to truly uncover what needs to be released. I mean all of it. We are decluttering your belief ghouls! Let’s not miss one.
Turn on the lights. We know that boogeymen can’t exist when the lights are on. Get illuminated! Take all the “proof” that you’ve collected over the years that gives a sense of validity to those cruddy beliefs, and shine a light on it. Watch as they start to disintegrate. Go Mr. Spock logical on ‘em. Logic is their kryptonite! They aren’t made of strong stuff — it’s house-of-cards-level sturdy — so this should be easy once you get going.
Tear out the root. Can’t get rid of a weed unless we rid it at the root. [Okay, I realize I’m mixing metaphors here now, but if I stayed on course, we’d have to go on to how zombies are wiped out or the way to off a vampire, and that’s a little graphic. But fitting!] Name the source of this belief. Did you create it (like my money panic) or did someone else plant the seed? The goal is to dismantle that belief at its foundation. Which is faulty AF. Rip it out.
Turn the page. Once we’ve named our monsters, shed light on the BS they feed upon and have torn out those awful little weeds by the root, we get to assert the correct narrative and tell the truth about ourselves. We are worthy. We are more than enough. We are inspiring. We are whatever TF we want to be, because we don’t have those little diabolical demons telling us lies anymore. And, yes, this is a process. One that will likely need to be repeated. After all, how long did we believe the wrong stuff? These beliefs may not disappear overnight. We may need to pull weeds when they appear again. One way to do that is just keep telling yourself the truth.
Whenever a little monster wants to show its face, I’m ready for ‘em.
Yes, I have “proof” that I could go broke again (it happened before, FFS!). But, when I turn on the lights, I see that I also have a savings account that I’m hyper-protective of (it literally pains me if I have to move money out of it…even temporarily), a 401k that I contribute to every other week, and an IRA that is something of a rollercoaster when I look at its growth chart, which gives me angina. I have a cushion that I worked hard to create and made sacrifices for along the way. And I know that part of this fear is fed by my old habit of preemptive worrying. Instead of that malarkey, I do what feels responsible with my money to prove I’m not “bad” with it (anymore).
While I can’t guarantee that I won’t get big sick, I do what I can to stay healthy, keeping the crap out of my diet, exercising, and going to the doctor on the reg to keep an eye on certain things. Also: I get boosted, keep my mask on and wash my damn hands.
I have “proof” that my mother was right, too. By not being married, that would show her no one loves me. I don’t have what would equate to her definition of success, so I haven’t amounted to anything as far as she’d be concerned. But I also have proof she’s full of sh!t. I have had the love of good men (and some asshats, too). I’ve been proposed to three times — never the right guy at the right time, though. Once, when I was in college, my mother asked me if I was lesbian. I told her no. She asked if I was offended by her question. “I’m not offended that you thought I was gay,” I told her, “but I am that you think I need someone else in my life — man or woman — to make me whole.” (Having just recalled that, maybe I’m proving myself right by staying solo.)
Recently, I wrote about Embracing Failure, and I do embrace mine. But when I was going through my down times, I would hear my mother’s voice shouting, “See, I told you you’d never amount to anything!” But I’m a different bird. The kind of path my mother saw for me was the only one she understood. (“You should think about being a dental hygienist,” she told me…years after I graduated film school.) Her expected path was the one my brother took (not a dental hygienist, though). She can describe to others what my brother does by his job title alone. I’ve never had that, even when I’ve had job titles.
What my mother said to me wasn’t meant to be prescient. It was meant to be mean. It was meant to wound. And it did. Because your mother isn’t supposed to be cruel. And, when she is, it’s confusing. This person is supposed to love you and support you and help you be the best you you can be, not tear you down and hold you back. So, if you have a person in your life — parent or otherwise — who fed you poison, here’s the antidote:
They were a**holes, and they were wrong.
No matter how much you love or loved that person/those people, they were a**holes for doing that to you, and they were wrong. And even if you don’t want to use that descriptor, do use this:
THEY. WERE. WRONG.
The only proof you need of that is that they did it, and it hurt you, and they likely kept doing it even when they knew it hurt you. That’s just wrong! They no longer get to hold power over you. Revoke that permission, immediately.
Now you get to turn the page and start writing out the actual truths. Of all of your accomplishments (being a good human should top the list). All of your positive attributes (like your wonderfully kind heart). All of your potential (you get to do/be whatever you want!). And this isn’t toxic positivity BS; it’s beautiful factuality.
Okay, fine, maybe I can’t be an Academy Award-winning writer/director/producer married to Jon Hamm AND George Clooney but, aside from that, I really can be anything I want to be. If I wanted to be a doctor (don’t, but if), I could go back to school and get on that path. It’s legal. If I wanted to become a pilot (don’t, but if), there’s a flight school right up my urban hike I could walk to. Nothing’s stopping me but my lack of desire (and a touch of motion sickness). If I wanted to move to Australia, I have friends who would kindly arrange a marriage for me to make that citizenship happen (not legal, but a nice gesture). [Side note to Australia authorities: Don’t worry, mates. Not planning on getting on a plane anytime soon, especially for a flight that long. Also, don’t want to spend time in the clink; I watched “Cell Block H” as a girl. Besides, I’m very afraid of your snakes, your spiders that eat snakes and the terrifying drop bear. You’re more likely to arrest me for attempting to steal a koala, but I’d try to convince you that it actually adopted me. Cheers! xo]
My point is, we get to reclaim our narrative now that we are no longer restricted by BS beliefs. And that is some powerful stuff! Once we let go of all the things we were afraid were true — and get to the actual truth — we understand what being free really is. Standing in that space of happy fact is where we really grow. xo
Some Recs
No really. Read ’s ‘stack. She puts it perfectly: “Health is not an outcome; it’s a lifelong process that requires facts, courage, truth-telling and guidance.” Torn on Hulu is a documentary about an American mountain climber who was lost in an avalanche in the Himalayas. But it’s actually an incredible love story. Watch it. xo
Earworm of the Week
Music is a Happy Hack, so I’m going to continue sharing music that stirs joy. Here’s this week’s ‘worm. You’re welcome. Now, go build some castles. xo
Okay. Just one more. It’s good to be back. (And, yes, that is Billie Jean King doing backup!)
Fun fact: Elton wrote “Philadelphia Freedom” for BJK, which has been and will always be one of my favorite songs. So, yeah, gotta give you that one, too. xo
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Thank you so much for the shout-out, Sandra Ann!
I pity anyone who would even think about making an enemy of Amal Clooney, but becoming an Academy Award-winning writer is perfectly feasible.