A Prime Time To Align
What do you want? Need? Have to have?
I have a little mantra I mumble to myself when I walk into the kitchen or a store or a restaurant:
What do I want? What do I need? What do I have to have?
It helps me get clear. Am I really hungry or just bored? Do I really need something, or is there a little emptiness that needs filling? Of all the things, what’s a must-have right now, and is it really a must-have? If not, go back to the first two Qs.
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It’s Prime time at Am*zon this week, and who really gives a flying fig about that? I’m sure a lot of people who are on a budget and looking for deals will be raising their hands. And there will be others who are filling empty spaces, wanting something to make them feel better. Taking celebrity recommendations so they can feel a little bit fancier. Deciding it’s time to get the big thing they’ve been waiting on, that they know will bring them pleasure.
Whatever works for you, go for it. About a week later, after everything has arrived and you’ve gotten to use it/consume it, ask yourself how you really feel about it. Was it what you wanted? Needed? Had to have? And is it as satisfying as you imagined?
I replied to a post at
’s Clotheshorse Podcast Substack about this (thanks for the inspo, friend). If you aren’t familiar, Amanda is a podcaster (and, now, Substacker) who talks about sustainable fashion, ethical shopping, and the true price of fast fashion. Neither one of us is a fan of Jeff. But we also understand the reality of retailers like Am*zon, and the need for online shopping. It’s ableist to assume that everyone can go out and shop around for what they need/want/have to have.But, let’s talk about that shopping dependency. That drive to over-consume. The mindset that something outside of us is going to make the insides feel better.
In my comment to Amanda’s post, I recalled waiting for the annual Madewell sale so I could get the Transporter Tote I had been jonesing for, the one that was always sold out. This was going to take some fast action. I was going to have to be ready…and I had a year to prep.
Carrie might be a shoe-lover, but I’ve always been a bag lady. Upside? A fabulous purse will not give you bunions.
I love a good bag. I live for a good bag. And I am a big bag gal. I want it to fit ev-er-y-thing. My laptop and water bottle, a sweater, my big-ass continental style wallet. I do not travel light. So, I waited for the next sale to come around. I was still a bit broke, but I was going to get this bag that year, period. (I believe this was circa 2017 or 18). And I got it. With my initials on it. And I love that damned bag. It’s my *it* purse. My goal bag. I don’t want a Birken. It’s non-functional for my needs…which requires an over-the-shoulder strap situation. I don’t need a label telling anyone how much I paid for it. (I have a couple of those purses, which were gifted to me; I take out for special occasions.) Seven or eight years later, that tote still makes me smile. I still love it (so much, it will never see a raindrop, even though I have treated it to be water-resistant). It’s my bag.
So, I *get* getting what you want/need/have to have. While it is a hedonic pursuit, the appreciation of it alchemizes it into eudaimonic, and that’s why I don’t need yet another bag to make me happier.
When we find ourselves needing more and more and more, we have to understand that’s a version of unhappiness. It’s reaching for the hedonic hit, and being disappointed when that (quickly) fades. And then we need more and more and bigger and better…and it won’t ever be enough. Just ask Jeff.
When we are in alignment with our wants and needs, they become a pleasure. When we aren’t, they become a burden, a blackhole.
Nothing outside of us will fix the inside.
And if you keep looking outside of yourself for something to bring you joy, that’s a super f*cking big hint that there’s some inside stuff that needs to be looked at.
There isn’t a dress, shoe, purse, pair of jeans, necklace, phone, TV, car, house that will make you feel good in your skin if you aren’t already comfortable there first.
So, before you spend big this week, maybe get clear on what you want/need/have to have. Is this something that you will appreciate long after next week/next month/next year? Is it for you or to show off to others? Is it really worth the cost, even if it is on sale? Because you know there will be another sale, right? And then another and another.
Sometimes, putting off what we think we need or want or have to have gives us the chance to assess deeper the Why of it all.
Part of the Why for my Transporter Tote (black with tan straps, if you’re wondering) was that I wanted something to show (me) for all of my hard work in paying off my debt and working a job I really didn’t enjoy in order to do that. It was a reward of sorts. And waiting a year for it gave me time to be sure that’s what I really wanted. Because, once you monogram something, it’s yours forever.
Each time I look at that bag, I see all of my effort and all of my achievement in getting out of such debt, I didn’t think it would be possible to do. And I knew the moment I opened the box there wouldn’t be another bag I’d need. And it tallied in about $125.
No one has to explain what makes them happy or why. We get to have it — unless it’s illegal or hurts someone else, right? But stuff won’t make you truly happy if you’re not in alignment with you.
Stop going after things and start turning inward. Heal what needs healing. Soothe what needs soothing. Address what needs addressing. And, then, you’ll find these sales kind of meh. You’ll wonder why you thought you needed so much. And — if you need proof of this — now’s a fine time to clear out your closets, drawers and garages. Look at all the things you wanted, needed and had to have that you don’t use or forgot existed. Maybe host a yard sale with neighbors, or a free market/swap with friends. Let that stuff be used by people who want/need/have to have it. And remember those things the next time you think you need/want have to have something else. xo
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I love this mantra/question, thanks for sharing. I did the same thing and, after being one year sober, I treated myself to a custom made leather bag that will last the rest of my life. Like you, it's a constant reminder that I can do hard things.
So true! After my divorce I went a little crazy with buying stuff. Now I’m trying to get rid of stuff and rarely purchasing anything. Just enjoying all I have.